Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Fourth of July Shmorth of July

Have I ever mentioned that I HATE the fourth of July? Because I do. Maybe it's because a sparkler once turned my upper body blue (seriously). But it's probably because I came home one year to find my neighborhood blocked off by fire trucks, because some idiot thought it would be funny to shoot a bottle rocket into someones backyard while they were out of town. Let me tell you, the people who owned that house had to be some fucked up individuals. Karma screamed their name like a white trash hooker after snorting a line of coke off her own ass cheek...if that even makes did in my head. Shut up don't judge me. Anyway, the point is those people have the worst fucking luck. Their house caught on fire twice, had a car slam into the brick wall surrounding their back yard, AND all the kids in the neighborhood would ding-dong ditch them..including me. My sister and I also ran through their sprinklers. What? It was hot outside...

Back to my main point. My hate for 4th of July. I think the biggest factor contributing to my rage for this holiday is because I don't trust drunk people with explosives. Come to think of it, I just don't trust PEOPLE with explosives..especially that fucking guy from North Korea. He's a nut ball..and he's ronery...

The point is every year on the fourth day of July, I come home expecting to see my house burnt to the ground, or I think I am going to end up in the hospital because some dumb ass decided to empty all the powder from a piping pack of Picalo Petes (say that 5 times fast) into one massive SPLOSIVE. So I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. Same thing I did last year. I am gonna take my camera, ignore every other moron and take some kick ass pictures. Maybe i'll have a whiskey sour or four. Who knows.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Unda Da Sea!

Kerplunk: the newt play the flute, the carp play the harp
Teleolurian: OH NO YOU DINT
Kerplunk: the plaice play the bass and they soundin sharp
Teleolurian: STOP
Kerplunk: the bass play the brass
Teleolurian: STOP DAMMIT
Kerplunk: the chub play the tub
Kerplunk: the fluke is the duke of soul (yeah)
Kerplunk: the ray he can play
Teleolurian: ugh
Kerplunk:...something somthing
Teleolurian: you sleep to it, don't you?
Kerplunk: the trout rockin out the black fish she sings
Kerplunk:the smelt and the sprat they know where its at
Teleolurian: you can't sleep, so you put on the little mermaid
Teleolurian: so you can turn away from the screen
Teleolurian: "Flounder, you're my little bitch!"
Kerplunk: dude, i watched that movie every day all day
Kerplunk: when i was younger
Kerplunk: andi still watch it now
Teleolurian: i bombed korea every night

Thursday, February 28, 2008


It's nuts how much things change as you get older. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to be that old crazy person thats always like, "Back in my day, Britney Spears was a woman."

Last night I went to see my friends band play down on Fremont St. It was my first time at a local band show in a long time. There were 13 year olds, dressed in skin tight clothes, running around everywhere. I'm pretty sure there was some kind of contest going on...something like "Who can look/act the most ridiculous." They were all winners in my eyes ::tear:: Everyone looked the same, both girls and boys: Long hair, dark make up, and skin tight pants (actually sewn onto the body). I guess I really have no room to judge...but I there is room for laughter hahahahaha. I'm such a bitch sometimes. It's ok though, I'm sure i've been laughed at plenty of times in my that one time i fell asleep with my head in the trash can after a long game of kings cup.

Anyway, after the show, 8 of us went out to her van, excuse me, bus, to load up her drum set. Her girlfriend, who was obviously intoxicated, had to drive that beast from the 3rd level of the parking garage down to the biggie right? Wrong. She starts driving, and we all start making fun of her because shes going like 4 miles per hour, and then this conversation takes place

G: Don't worry, I just got my license 2 weeks ago..hahaha just kidding
Me: I can tell
L: No, seriously though, she can drive just fine
G: Yeah, I'm ok, don't worry

Not even 2 minutes later, we are going against traffic down 4th street. Nuff said.

Even though I thought I was convinced I was going to either be in jail or dead by the end of the night, i still had fun. They are some pretty cool people to hang around, and my friend is awesome at the drums..(her singer could use a little work...)

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Primitive Tongue

I was looking at some of my old entries from my online journals, and i found this random one, which I had posted in 2004:

Have you ever wondered precisely why people have so many languages? What if the cows and the dogs are actually speaking an ancient human language, composed of strange hums and grunts? What if babies are speaking in a primitive tongue as well? What if they're all actually plotting against us? The commies are comming...

What the fuck was I talking about? If I could go back in time, I would most definitely take a hit of whatever I was smoking. Puff puff pass bitches. (..I blame jonathan for my excessive use of the word(s) bitch/bitches)

I was also reading through my diary from my childhood-early teenage years and realized that I was one big depressed crate of hate. This pretty much sums up what is written in it, "fuck, fuck fuckity fuck fuck fucker fuckaroo i hate drunk." Yes, I was drunk at 11, and no I DID NOT eat that tampon, despite what they say...I remember that much fuckers.

After reading these, i've come to these conclusions; I'm still pretty damn random/retarded, my favorite word without a doubt is still any form of "fuck," and I DID NOT eat that tampon.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Let it be, Oh let it be.

Remember that one time when you went to that party, but decided not to drink because you were 14 and your friend's mom (who, by the way, makes the best fucking peanut butter cookies EVER) was picking you up in 3 and a 1/2 hours?? Then, you witness what they call a "drunken teenage slut" dragging your friend up to his room and you decide "fuck it, lets get shit faced." Then you took about 4 shots of Bacardi, and brought a bottle of malibu rum out to the backyard with your blonde friend, and took turns gulping your sorrows away in hopes to forget the series of unfortunate events that just unfolded. As you stumbled inside, your breath smelling like you just drank some rubbing alcohol, you realize that life's always more fun when you don't care what you say, or how slurred your words are when you say it. You also realized that you were being fondled by a 12 year old boy, whose balls probably hadn't dropped yet.

As you sit with another friend, trying to help him during his emo (like nemo, without the n) times, your mind starts to drift and the next thing you know, you're singing a melody to the porcelain express, which I might add, was number one on the charts until you discovered the nastiness of Swiss cinnamon schnapps, aka, Goldschlager.... aka death by fire. (and at least i sang to a toilet instead of a shoe....). You remember seeing the black tears roll off your cheeks, into the bowl with floating McDonald's french fries in it. As the world spinned around you, you remember hearing "you have to get up, my mom is going to be here any minute." You respond "but what if i have to puke on the way home?" There was no time for questions, you just had to get in the car for what was going to be the longest, most nerve racking ride home ever.

You sit behind the passenger seat, right by the window, just incase you have to spew on the way home. As soon as you get out of the car after the 10 minute car ride (which seemed like 10 hours) your blonde friend, who happened to be sitting in the middle, pukes out your side of the car...while the mom is still in the garage. As you try to hold back the laughter and vomit, you look back and forth between your friend, her mom, your puking buddy, and the teenage slut in an awkward moment of silence. Luckily, the car you drove home in was so big that your friends mom didnt notice the blonde upchucking her life out the side of the car.

Remember how most of you slept with bowls or trash cans next to you? Of course you don't, idiot, because thats my fucking memory. Oh, to be 14 and stupid again....good times, good times.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Kerplunk: its sad what life does to you
Kerplunk: more specifically, america
Kerplunk: (fuck yeah...coming again to save the mother fuckin day yeah)
Teleolurian Kordyne: look bitch
Teleolurian Kordyne: i have this romanian friend who can't buy expensive shoes
Teleolurian Kordyne: because it's impossible to get them in romania
Kerplunk: well, you have money
Kerplunk: you should feel rich
Kerplunk: no, i know we are more fortunate than other countries
Kerplunk: and i would rather live here than any other fucked up place
Kerplunk: but our government is still fucked up and they piss me off
Teleolurian Kordyne: they are.
Kerplunk: if i could pee on them i would
Kerplunk: but then i'd dissapear
Teleolurian Kordyne: like some kind of piss ninja
Teleolurian Kordyne: i assume.
Kerplunk: and earased from everyones mind
Kerplunk: yeah...piss ninja
Teleolurian Kordyne: how the hell did we get from justin timberlake to piss ninja?
Kerplunk: ...
Kerplunk: AMERICA
Kerplunk: FUCK YEAH
Teleolurian Kordyne: lol

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Communication for Dummies

Dear Bitch Face,

It would probably be a good idea to think before you speak. In fact, try not speaking at all. Your voice is rather annoying. Try taking up another activity, such as scuba diving, or rock climbing. But if you insist on verbal communication, take some things into consideration...

1. Don't talk shit about person "A" to person "B" and then go to person "B" and talk shit about "A." You'll just piss people off, and that's no way to make friends now, is it?

2. Mind your own fucking business. I don't feel the need to tell you every detail about my life, and I couldn't care less about who's taking a shit, and who's on who's myspace page.

3. Nobody really cares about your life, so do yourself a favor and save your breath. Maybe instead of talk about yourself all the time, you could practice meditation. I hear its really relaxing. Plus, it will be nice for everyone around you because we wont have to listen to your voice all the time (its like nails on a chalk board).

4. You are not better than anyone else, so don't act like it. Just because your "straight edge" or whatever doesn't mean anyone will like you more. In my opinion, you need to pop a few xanies, drink a fifth of vodka, and smoke a bleezy.

5. Don't make it a point to always tell people that you talk to so and so all the time. Congratulations, you talk to certain people and you have 50 million fucking myspace friends....fuck i wish i was cool like you.

Now, I want you to really pay attention to what I just told you because it will work out in your favor - promise.